Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication

Fall 2007

In this course I learned how to take Cupach & Spitzberg's theories of the Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and apply it to my relationships. I learned that I cannot seperate the negative from the positive things in my life, and how to turn the "dark side" of my life into my strengths.

Final Paper:

Melissa Thomas

Dark Side

Final Paper

December 4^th, 2007

Negative to Positive

            Many times in our lives, we try to avoid negative things in our lives: bad circumstances, failed relationships, and “dark sides” of our relationships. I believe that we are called to embrace the negatives and turn them into our positives. According to Cupach & Spitzberg, “Simple dichotomy into “positive” and “negative” is ultimately misleading and both elements, however labeled, are conjoint parts of the relationship” (1994, p.4). Reality is that I cannot erase the negative things in my life, but I can learn how to transform them into a positive lesson. Today we are going to look at 5 “dark side” behaviors I have experienced: deception, equivocation, hurtful messages, relational transgressions, and abuse. Through all of these “dark side” behaviors, I have learned how to better maintain future relationships, and use them as my strengths.

Deception

According to Cupach & Spitzberg, deception is a mean of survival. “By controlling information dependents are able to exert some “countercontrol” over situations that are normally dominated by “superior” individuals” (1994, p.201). Growing up, I was able to witness my dad use deception as a mean of survival first hand. He would never tell us the whole truth about anything, and he very rarely admitted to us when he was wrong. Now, we all mess up at times. Nobody can be perfect all the time. So what was the big deal about my dad telling our family the truth? In 2003, my dad was confronted about having an affair with other women in the church. At first he denied it all. But, eventually the truth came out about his infidelity form other sources. This was so hard for me to accept because I wanted to be able to trust my dad, and I did not know what to believe about him anymore. I felt that I could not trust him anymore. According to a study done from the social psychology department at Miami University in 2002, “Truth and the faith that the other person is telling the truth is often the foundation that a partnership is built on.” I knew that I could not trust my dad at that point.

My dad wanted to hold onto that control, so that he would not have to face the consequences of his actions. He used deception for personal gain, just as Romeo & Juliet did in Shakespeare’s play. On October 30^th, 2007, Dr. John McDaniel pointed out a line from The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, “Juliet. O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name” (80-81). Romeo & Juliet tried to hide from their families in order to gain control over the relationship. Similarly, my dad tried to hide from our family so that he may gain control over his relationships on his own. He did not want to tell my mom, or his children, because he did not want to hurt us.

            The best way that I learned to deal with the deception from my dad was to ask questions, and be honest with him about my concerns. I learned that if I am open & honest with my dad about myself, he is more likely to be honest with me about himself. I confirmed this to be true when he began dating my new stepmother. After my mom passed away in 2004, he began dating my current stepmother, Betsy, within 3 months. At first he began to isolate himself and run away from my brother and I about his dating life. One day I sat him down, and asked him what was going on between Betsy and him. I knew deep down the truth, but I wanted to give him a chance to explain the truth. At first he was reluctant; but, after I shared with him my concerns, he began to be honest with me about Betsy.

Equivocation

Along with deception, my fathers “dark sides” includes equivocation. As I mentioned earlier, he can be very vague about things, and I do not always know the whole story about something. I am still questioning the truth behind my dad’s infidelity. I even wonder if it was a contributor to my mom’s severe depression and anxiety, which ultimately lead to her taking her own life. I am not sure why my dad uses equivocation, but I am beginning to understand it.

            According to Bavelas’ situational theory of equivocation, “messages have social consequences, and these can be positive or negative” (Cupach & Sptiberg, 19994, p. 115). He does not like to tell the whole truth, if he knows it will have a negative consequence in the relationship. When we heard about the accusations made toward my dad, he never gave us a straight answer about whether or not it was true or not. This created a wall between us.

            As Dr. John McDaniel pointed out in Romeo & Juliet, the central question of the play was “Why is there a wall between the two families? No one ever really describes that to Romeo & Juliet so they began to question “What’s in a name?” (Shakespeare, 90). This is exactly what I had to do with my relationship with my dad. I had to ask myself the question: “Why is there a wall built between us?” That is something that I did not even begin to ask myself, until I took this course. I have realized that the wall is built from the deception and equivocation between my dad and I.

            The best way for me to begin to tear down that wall is for me to begin to look past the messages being sent. I realize that I could dwell on the equivocal messages all day, and it will only create more anger to be built up against my dad. Cupach & Spitzberg stated, “ We suggest to these readers that before they judge an equivocal message as poor communication, they take a closer look at the purpose behind the question asked, the consequences a direct message would have for the interactants, and whether they are prepared to give an unpleasant but direct truth to someone about whom they care deeply.” (1994, p.122).

The main thing is that my dad struggled to tell us about the infidelity because he knew it would hurt our family. This does not excuse his actions, and it may have caused even more hurt in the long run. But, I know that my dad cares deeply for me and I want to do everything I can to maintain this relationship. According to the National Standards for Family Learning, “Family Learning recognizes that it is acceptable to make mistakes, which are part of the process of reflective learning” (2005, p.2). My dad and I have learned a lot about each other and ourselves through these “dark sides” and it can help us work through things in the future.

Hurtful Messages

Along with my mother’s depression came many hurtful messages. Whenever she was ill, she began to say some very hurtful messages to my brother and I. She claimed that we did not love her or we never would have let her fall into depression and anxiety. I knew that deep down it was not my fault that she was dealing with this, but it began to affect our relationship in a huge way. I began to blame myself for her depression and anxiety, and I wanted to help her in any way I could. The messages I heard from her on a daily basis crushed me.

            I also, have experienced hurtful messages from my most recent ex-boyfriend, Tucker. He began to struggle with a lot of anger issues after a year of our relationship. He constantly shifted the blame on me for his problems, and I never left his apartment without feeling worse about myself. This was definitely an abusive relationship, which I will focus on later. But, the words he spoke to me during our last few months of the relationship, are still affecting me today.

            According to Cupach & Spitzberg, “Words not only “do” things when uttered, but they have the ability to hurt or harm in every bit as real a way as physical objects. A few ill-spoken words can strongly affect individuals, interactions, and relationships” (1994, p.53). My relationship with my mother and Tucker were hindered because of these messages. And I am still learning how to overcome the affects of these messages on my life.

            The best way that I have overcome hurtful messages within relationships is to fight back with truth. I immediately have to remind myself that I am not the one to blame, and that I cannot control their reactions. I have had to forgive them. This does no mean that I agree with their words, but I know that I am not responsible for their actions. I am only responsible for my actions. According to Arlen Harder, “While you can have strong preferences that someone behave in a certain way, you cannot control another person no matter how much you might demand they act as you would want them to” (1997). Although my mother is no longer on this earth, and I am no longer in a relationship with Tucker, I have learned to forgive them. I cannot live with those hurtful messages in my life, and I have to move on form them by forgiving my mother and Tucker.

Relational Transgressions & Abuse

A relational transgression consists of emotional and physical abuse. I have experienced all of these, and I want to explain all of these “dark behaviors” together. A relational transgression “tends to disrupt the stability of a relationship because they involve violations of rules for appropriate relational conduct” (Cupach & Spitzberg, 1994, p.217). The problem comes in when a rule is not discussed amongst a couple, and it causes conflict in the end.

            During my relationship with Tucker, he began to emotionally and physically abuse me after a year into our relationship. At the time I was almost oblivious to how bad it really was. The hurtful messages and the physical abuse finally took a toll on my life, and I knew that I had to leave the relationship. I did not ultimately end the relationship because of this, but I realize now how much it effected my decision. Dr. Terri Johnson, from the MTSU Women’s Center, helped me recognize the extent of how bad the abuse actually was. She passed out some handouts to help us be able to pinpoint abuse in a relationship. According to the Domestic Violence Program, if you are frightened of your boyfriend’s temper, are afraid to disagree with him, or have been hit or had things thrown at you, etc. You are a victim of dating violence (p.1). I experienced all of these things with Tucker and more.

            It was very hard for me to admit to myself that I had been a victim of abuse. Once I finally realized the truth of the abuse, I was able to begin healing from it all. I do not consider any abusive actions acceptable. No matter what the circumstances; No one deserves to be abused. Tucker did not see things in the same way. He blamed his actions on his circumstances, or said that I caused him to get angry. We did not see eye-to-eye on this issue, which caused the conflict. According to Boon & Holmes, “ Men and women display different patterns of evaluation for deciding what is and what isn’t considered a relational transgression. These differences may lead to confusion or conflict in relationships in which rules have not been articulated explicitly” (1999, p.151).

            The best way for me to maintain a healthy relationship in the future is to establish rules. I assumed that Tucker knew that abuse would not be acceptable, but no one ever believes that it will happen in the beginning. I want to establish rules upfront about my expectations in the relationship. I am not made to settle for anyone less then God’s best for my life, and I am going to continue to remain single until I find God’s best for me.

Conclusion

It is hard to believe that I have experienced all of these “dark” behaviors: deception, equivocation, hurtful messages, relational transgressions, and abuse. I do not believe that I would have become aware of the “dark side” of interpersonal communication, if it was not for this course. Reality is that there is always a positive and negative side to a relationship. I believe that the question that I have been forced to ask all semester is what am I going to do with these “dark sides?” Cupach & Spitzberg stated, “In learning to cope with relationship disasters, people sometimes grow stronger” (1994, p.5). I have grown stronger because of the “dark sides” in my life. It is time for us to take a look at our negatives, and use them to become our strengths. I am strong today because of my weaknesses.  

Bibliography

Boon, Susan D., and John G. Holmes. “Interpersonal Risk and the Evaluation of Transgressions in Close Relationships.” Personal Relationships 6 (1999): 151-168.

Cupach, William R. and Brian H. Spitzberg (1994). The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaun Associates, Inc.

Domestic Violence Program. Dating Violence: There is NO Excuse! Receieved Nov 6, 2007.

Harder, Arlene (1997). Forgiving Yourself and Others. Accessed through the World Wide Web on Dec 2, 2007. http://www.support4change.com/spirit/forgive/yourself-others.html

Johnson, Terri. MTSU Women’s Center. Guest Speaker Nov 6, 2007.

National Occupational Standards for Family Learning (2005). Accessed through the World Wide Web on Dec 3, 2007.

http://www.lifelonglearninguk.org/documents/standards/fl/fl301.pdf

McDaniel, John Dr. Dean of Liberal Arts at MTSU. Guest Speaker Oct 30, 2007.

Shakespeare, William. The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. Received Oct 30, 2007.

Social Psychology Department (2002). Lying and Deception in Relationships. Miami University. Accessed through the World Wide Web on Dec 1, 2007. http://www.units.muohio.edu/psybersite/bars/lying.shtml