Personal Conflict Paper #1:

The Missing Phone

Rachel Littell

COM 312/COM 400

Prof. Dybvig-Paweiko

September 14, 2006

Personal Conflict Paper #1:
The Missing Phone
	As my boyfriend, Chris, and I have been building our romantic relationship we have come across conflicting values and beliefs.  This paper will discuss the major events that lead to the conflict, a reiteration of the conflict, and the distal outcomes of this conflict as it relates to our relationship.
	I have been on medication for depression for eight years.  Chris believed that there was no need for psychological medication.  He would tell me he wished I was not on it and that I depended on it.  He also noticed that when I drank alcohol with him I would become belligerent and unable to remember things, so he blamed it on the medication.  We went on a cruise this past summer and I accidently left my medications.  We then went to California and again, I lost my medications.  I figured it was a sign so I tried to quit cold turkey.  
After a month, my instrumental and self-presentational goal of trying to show Chris I could survive without the medications was neither appropriate nor effective.  After a major breakdown we both realized I needed to be on the meds and I needed the assistance of a doctor on how to quit.  Chris then asked me to not to drink because it was unhealthy for my body and in order to keep our relational goals of staying together and without many conflicts I promised him I would not drink.  He asked if it would help me if he did not drink and I told him it would be very helpful.
	    Now for the missing phone conflict play by play.  Chris and I decided to out with our friends for whom we had not seen for a long time.  We both made an instrumental goal that we would drink alcohol, but it would be in moderation.  While the both of us were still working on our first drink I had my phone out.  He told me I did not need it out and I should put it in my purse.  I did so until I received a text message, so I brought it back out.  
During this time one of the guys bought shots for only the boys.  I was upset they did not include the girls and that Chris accepted the shot, not being effective with our instrumental goal.  Then, he bought a round for all the guys.  I became furious and so did my girl friend who was dating the guy that bought the first round.  We decided to catch up.  She bought the girls a round and I did a little bit later.  I could tell Chris was upset with me for taking shots, but I felt it was unfair for him to be able to drink.
I left to go to the bathroom and about five minutes after I got back to the table I noticed my phone was missing.  I looked everywhere and asked everyone except for Chris if they had seen it.  It was not appropriate for me not to tell him in the beginning because it reflects trust issues, however it would have conflicted with our relational goal of not fighting in public.
When we were leaving the bar I told him I had lost the phone and that I did everything I could to try to find it and that I would pay for it.  He gave me a furious look and when we got in his truck he opened up his glove compartment.  There laid my phone.  Ineffectively not supporting my self-presentational goal I began crying and yelling.  I asked why he would do that and he said to teach me a lesson not to leave my phone out because when I drink I am incomprehensive to my surroundings.  
To this day he still says he took it out to his truck while I was sitting at the table.  On the other hand, I believe he took it when I was in the bathroom.  Herein lies the question of trust.  To me, he destroyed his self-presentational goal of being trustworthy and his appropriateness of being supportive.  I felt as though he was trying to be my dad by “teaching me a lesson.”    
From this experience, I learned not to be verbally aggressive when we are engaging in a conflict even at the height of the moment because it shows I am incompetent.  If I feel as though I will not be calm then I will avoid contact until I can be tranquilly argumentative.